Well, after putting it off for about 2 or 3 years (yikes) I've finally joined a gym: the local 'Y'. I managed to drag myself there for the first time last night after work and stayed for almost an hour of cardio and some stretches and situps. It feels good that I've started, but now I'm nervous about keeping up with it all once school starts again on the 19th. Maintaining is the hardest part, I guess, but it doesn't have to be. I was inspired by something my yoga teacher said yesterday in class (yes, I'm editing this post a day later) and that was that we need to learn not only have fun during practice, but also to love ourselves even when we are feeling crappy.
When you get to that point of resistance, she said, the point where you are starting to stiffen and have fear about going deeper, going further, THAT'S when you need to stop taking it all so seriously and just say "I love that I am feeling crappy right now", breathe deeply and just go with it. It's not an easy undertaking.
When I think about moving to the next level in anything: yoga, my writing, my relationships, it indicates a deeper level of commitment and that to me is scary. I don't want to commit more, I don't want to go deeper - I've already taken on so much! But that is where fear of the unknown comes in. If we realize that we are all connected in some way, that we are all in the same boat, essentially, we can take comfort in knowing that life is an endless circle; there is an energy we belong to, we are part of, that will go on no matter what WE do.
If we can learn to let go of fear and self-loathing and accept ourselves as we are here and now, that is the first step. Once we take one step, we can take further steps, if even the tiniest, leading towards growth and expansion. Small steps, one at a time, are all we can ask of ourselves in these uncertain times. But we should take them rather than hold back. We by nature want to grow. Everything is cyclical, life is a circle, so sometimes we might move backwards or sideways before we move forward, but we should move. And we should try, if only by saying yes to ourselves, forgiving ourselves.
I have many goals for 2011. I'm going to try to keep up with yoga 2x/week and go to the gym 2 - 3x/week. With evening classes 2x/week and full-time work that will be tough, but I know I always feel better when I work out and become more fit. I know I tend to have more energy and my brain works better, and that helps my writing. I also intend to work on writing more this year; at least a little bit every day. It's a lot to take on, but I know if I trust myself, let go of fear, I can embrace change and inevitably move to the next level in all my endeavors.
I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes!
